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I chase time. I chase dream. But will it mean I lose everything in between? Mama says head on, Ayah says stay. Shall I let nature takes its course, knowing that I will not be able to handle its dip of failure. Why do we dream too much in the first place?

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Monday, January 11, 2010
11:35 AM
ROCKER JUGA MENANGIS~!
Im seriously in a flushed mode and have no mood at all for today's lessons. How I would really love to go back home and just edit this whole blog and talk about my days lately. How you guys would love to hear about me too right? pfft. Anyhoo, let me just type something to get it off my chest.

Do you realise how much everyone change and grew lately. How life seems more meaningful with the people around and somehow you would really love to just settle down in that environment. But when things just went out of hand, you would jolly well want to pack up your bags and leave all that memories behind. That is how I feel that past few days. How much I just want to be alone and not bother about others feelings because I knew I was going to hurt them more in any decisions I make in my life. I am always selfish, because I 'believe' that I would be able to keep what is rightfully mine to myself.

I have hurt many recently, thinking of my own satisfaction. I have made many cry and I still forsee no happy endings. The more I hurt, the more I feel the hurt back myself. I break down frequent and I bottled up too many feelings that I know its just wrong to let out. All i could do is type all this feelings down and push it off my chest. No point crying, no point scolding, no point trying to make people understand because everyone is created individually and if Allah decided to block off that person's mind from understanding our wants, till our dying day they would not understand. You can't blame them or (much more blasphemious) blame the powerful one. Its just how things are, some are things are not meant to be known and some are just not meant to be owned. This is how fate plays the part, how things are destined to be or not. I feel much more cleansed carrying out my responsibilities and listen to my own lips do what it was created for. How I have failed doing so, and blaming my busy schedule but the truth is laziness got the better of me. If I could not be the best muslimah, with all my heart let me be the good.

I have placed my foot on the wrong path and because I felt want to believe there's no way for me to back out now because I am terribly immersed in it, I set my foot to carry on. Its not her fault, but it was mine. This made me in dillemma, but I made my choice and dengan kuasa Allah, please just let me be. He will one day light a path for me to my destined route and make me have the better choices in life. It may not be now, it may be later. Till then, I will wait. From her blog I know that she understands the consequences. I hope everyone understands and not judge me for what I do because everyone makes mistakes. I dont force anyone to accept me, its ok even if you were my ex- closefriend and you decided to stay away from me cos your bf says so. I dont care, because if that what you think the best way for you so be it. All you have to remember is that one day, it may happen to you(however the situation may change). All those rah-rah friends of yours may *kapoosh gone in secs. Ok that was crude. Im sorry but this is how everyone would feel when their friends disown them for silly reasons that doesn't even concern them. Open your eyes big big my dear "friend".

Back to me, I pray I will be better in my ways and definitely struggle through oopm yet again. BUT LOOK AT THE BRIGHT SIDE (MR FAIZAL!!) Ok shh! ciao babies.